I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
