why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
