well I can't set my house on fire every night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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