come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
