I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
