It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
