she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
