I'm pants shitting drunk right now
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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