so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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