I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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