So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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