I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I did not marry a roomba.
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