Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
