Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
50% drunk capacity currently
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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