If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
