well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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