We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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