Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
