I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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