last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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