He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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