I puked a lego.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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