A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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