fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
