Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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