I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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