dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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