Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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