First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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