just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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