Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
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i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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