the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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