I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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