The maid of honor just puked.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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