if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
