every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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