I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
