if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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