I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
