Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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