I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
