yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
