I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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