I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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