Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
