my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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