I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
