So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
