We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
