Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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