i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
