she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
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YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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