I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
