when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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