What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
