I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
