Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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