I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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