my phone needs a breathalizer
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
