My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
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I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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