That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is classic penis vs brain.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
