I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
